“CANADA IS OURS!” read the caption held by one beaver.
“We have been used for too long by Canada and we won’t
stand for it anymore” explained the head patriarch beaver as
he worked on his dam.
Beaver Nation alienation has been growing for some time
now. Its roots can be found as early as the 1970s when
Canada engaged in compassionate social engineering.
“For hundreds of years we were an integral part of the
Canadian economy. The Coureur de Bois and The Bay
became millionaires off our pelts. No more.” The Beaver
Boat Units are mobilizing and preparing to attack.
Canadian officials remained defiant if not donwright
unconcerned. A spokesperson for Defense Canada,
Normie-Gordie Burntstrudel “This is Canada. Everybody
loves us as we love ourselves. We are a peacecreating,
peacekeeping, peacegiving country” When pressed if the
Canadian military is prepared in the event of the attack he
continued with a confident smile “If we are attacked, which
we won’t be, we are ready.” One reporter asked how exactly
are they ready to which Mr. Burntstrudel answered “All of
Canada will unite. We’ve put in a call to the Inuit.” When
asked if Québec will take part in the defense of Canada all
he would comment is “they are distinct and thus have
distinct choices to make regarding their well-earned distinct
territory.”
None of this surprises The Beavers. “Canada always has
its head up its ass. We’re even forewarning them and they
still won’t budge. Dumbasses. They will see our anger is
real and our wrath swift and lethal.” Even the Québec
division is ready. “They don’t speak any English but we are
united in our cause.”
Anger on the street is mounting. The average Canadian is
outraged of the thought of even putting one loonie into the
military in defense of this country. “We need to put it in more
important places. Like public health” screamed one person.
Another quipped “What does beaver meat taste like? Is their
fur, like, still popular in Europe?”
